Abe JOhN AnDRadE OboRDo

A Filipino, a German and a Pakistani got arrested consuming alcohol which is a severe offense in KSA , so for the terrible crime they are all sentenced 20 lashes each of the whip.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik announced: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."

The German was first in line, he thought for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back."

This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes & the German had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.

The Pakistani was next up. After watching the German in horror he said smugly: "Please fix two pillows to my back."

But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes & the Pakistani was also led away whimpering loudly.

The Filipino was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from one of most beautiful parts of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"

"Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness," the Filipino replied.

"In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."

"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave." The Sheik said with an admiring look on his face.

"If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it.

"And what is your second wish, ?" the Sheik asked.

The Filipino smiled and said, "Tie the Pakistani to my back" !!!

Pulis at Intsik:
Pulis: boss konting abuloy lang, may namatay na pulis.
Intsik: ako malaki migay amuloy masta alaw-alaw melon pulis paktay oke.."

"PASYENTE: Dok... Ninenerbyos po ako! First operation ko po ito. . .
DOK: Alam ko ang nararamdaman mo... Kasi ikaw rin ang una kong pasyente"

Tanga: kamusta yung exam mo.
Bobo: wala ako nasagutan, blanko yung papel ko. Ikaw?
Tanga: naku, blangko din yung papel ko, baka sabihin ni titser,
nagkopyahan tayo

WIFE: maghiwalay na tayo!
MAN: ok,akin ang bahay!
WIFE: akin ang farm!
MAN: akin ang kotse!
WIFE: ah pero akin driver
MAN: pwes, magkakamatayan tyo, MATAGAL NA SIYANG AKIN!

Mrs: hoy!Tama na yang be - er mo masyado ka magastos
Mr: Ikaw make-up mo ang magastos
Mrs: Nagpapaganda ako para syo
Mr: Ako umiinom naman para gumanda ka!

May bagong kasal:
MRS: Honey malapit na tayong maging 3 dito sa bahay
MR: Talaga honey? Pinasaya mo ako sa balita mo
MRS: Oo dito na titira ang nanay ko!"

REPORTER: Sir, kung wala po kayong evidence, witness or suspect ano na po
ang next step ninyo??
Police: DNA na...
REPORTER: sir, ano po yung DNA ???
Police: "Di Namin Alam "

Man1: Away kami ni misis, nag-Historical siya
Man2: Pare baka ang ibig mo sabihin ay nag-Hysterical
Man1: Hinde, historical kasi inungkat lahat ng kasalanan ko!

A black baby is given a pair of wings by a fairy..
BABY: Does this mean I am an angel???
FAIRY: (laughs) of course not! tong negrang to! ambisyosa! PANIKI ka!!

In a party, a handsome guy approached a girl and asked; are you going to dance??
The girl felt so happy that someone finally asked her and she said; "yes" and the guys said "that's good, can I have your chair??"

Employee: boss pwede ba ako nalang ang papalit dun pwesto sa manager natin na kamamatay lang?
Boss: ok lang sa akin na ikaw ang pumalit sa kanya, ewan ko lang kung papayag ang punerarya :)

bobo1: Pare, alam mo ba tawag sa paniki na mababa ang lipad?
bobo2: hindi eh! ano ba pare?
bobo1: Lowbat pare! Lowbat!!

Street Vendor : "bili na kayo ng relo! gold watch ito!

pag namuti, white gold!

pag huminto stopwatch!"

-------------

gf : hu hu hu hu bakit natin ginawa ito? hindi na ako virgin at dalawang beses pa natin ginawa!

bf : ano? isa lang ah?!

gf : bakit, hindi na ba natin uulitin mamaya?!

---------------

Couple talking:

wife : hon, paki fix naman ilaw sa labas.

husband : hello!? electrician ba ako?

wife : eh di pkigawa na lang hagdan natin.

husband : hello!? karpintero ba ako?

umalis c husband, pagbalik gawa na lahat ng sira sa bahay. tinanong niya wife kung sino gumawa ng trabaho.

wife : kasi kanina a man saw me crying, sabi ko dami sira dito sa bahay. so he offered to help in exhange of either sex or bake ako ng cake.

husband : so pnag-bake mo siya ng cake?

wife : heller?! baker ba ako?!

-------------

ANG MARRIED LIFE....
May isang intsik na sa sobrang hilig sa karaoke ay inabot ng 5 am.
Dahil sa takot mabugbog ni misis, nag-text ng:
"HUWAG KA BAYAD RANSOM. NAKATAKAS AKO. UWI NA KO!"

--------------

Sa harap ng nursery window;
Friend: Pare, pag laki ng anak mo, am sure magaling mag-drive
Dad: Bakit, pare, malaki ba ang kamay?
Friend: Hindi. Kasi kamukha siya ng driver ninyo!

---------------

Husband came home from church, suddenly lifted his wife and carried her.

Wife: Why? Did the Pastor tell you to be romantic like this?

Husband: No! He told me to carry my cross!

-------------------

Health Advisory: "Beer contains female hormones, and can turn men into women.

After 5 pints.... men become talkative, unreasonable, irritable, cry for nothing, and urinate while sitting!"

-------------------

WIFE: I'm warning you! Parating na husband ko in 1 hour!

HANDSOME VISITOR: Wala naman akong ginawang masama ah ?

WIFE: kaya nga! kung may balak ka, GAWIN MO NA!!!

-------------------

WIFE: Himala! aga mong umuwi ngayon.

HUSBAND: Sunod ko lang utos ng boss ko. Sabi nya "GO TO HELL", kaya ito uwi agad ako..

-------------------

Usapan ng dalawang mayabang...

Tomas: Ang galing ng aso ko! Tuwing umaga, dala niya ang dyaryo sa akin.

Diego: Alam ko.

Tomas: Ha? Paano mo nalaman?

Diego: Ikinukuwento sa akin ng aso ko.

-------------------

Josh: Kumusta ang test?

Ricardo: Masama. Wala akong nasagutan. Blank paper ang ipinasa ko.

Josh: Naku, ako rin! Paano 'yan? Baka isipin nila, nagkopyahan tayo?!

-------------------

Dok: May taning na ang buhay mo.

Juan: Wala na bang pag-asa? Ano po ba ang dapat kong gawin?

Dok: Mag-asawa ka na lang ng pangit at bungangera.

Juan: Bakit, gagaling po ba ako ru'n?

Dok: Hindi, pero mas gugustuhin mo pang mamatay kesa mabuhay!

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Gustong malaman ng magkaibigan kung may basketbolan sa langit.
Nagkasundo sila na kung sino ang unang mamatay ay babalik upang sabihin kung may basketbol sa langit.
Naunang namatay si Dado. Isang gabi, may narinig na boses si Rodel na parang kay Dado.
'Ikaw ba 'yan, Dado?' usisa ni Rodel.
'Oo naman!' tugon ni Dado.
'Parang hindi totoo!' bulalas ni Rodel. 'O, ano, meron bang basketbol sa langit?'
Sagot ni Dado, 'May maganda at masama akong balita sa 'yo.

Ang maganda, may basketbol dito sa langit.

Ang masama... kasali ka sa first five ng makakalaban namin bukas!'

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Different prayers of single women...

At Age 15: Lord, give me SuperMAN.
At Age 18 : Lord, give me a cute MAN.
At Age 20: Lord, give me the best MAN.
At Age 30: Lord, give me a good MAN.
At Age 40: Lord, give me a MAN.
At Age 50 : Lord, give me sino MAN.
At Age 60: Lord, maawa ka naMAN.
At Age 70: Lord, kaya ko pa naMAN.
At Age 80: Lord, kahit hipo MAN lang.

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Misis: Hindi ko na kaya 'to! Araw-araw na lang tayong nag-aaway. Mabuti pa,umalis na ako sa bahay na 'to!
Mister: Ako rin, sawang-sawa na! Away rito, away roon! Mabuti pa siguro , sumama na ako sa 'yo!

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Advantage at disadvantage ng may-asawa...
ADVANTAGE: 'Pag kailangan mo, nandiyan agad.
DISADVANTAGE: 'Pag ayaw mo na, andiyan pa rin!

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What is the difference between a girlfriend, a call girl and a wife?
Sagot: Post paid, pre paid, unlimited.

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Sa isang classroom...
Titser: Class, what is ETHICS?
Pilo: Etiks are smaller than ducks.
Titser: Okey, that duck will lay an egg in your report card.

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Juan: Pare, noong mayaman pa kami, nagkakamay kaming kumain. Ngayong mahirap na kami, nakakutsara na.
Pedro: Baligtad yata?
Juan: Mahirap kamayin ang lugaw, pare!

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Anak: Itay, nagpapatanong si ma'am kung ano raw ang propesyon mo.
Itay: Sabihin mo, cardiologist.
Anak: Ano po ba ang cardiologist, Itay?
Itay: 'Yung tagaayos ng radio sa car!

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Umuwi si mister nang 4:00 AM at nakita niya ang kanyang misis na may katalik na lalaki sa kama .
Misis: (sumigaw) SAAN KA GALING?!
Mister: Sino 'yang katabi mo?
Misis: GRABE KA! HUWAG MONG IBAHIN ANG USAPAN!

Hilarious pag Pinoy Talaga

Host: What was the very first gift that you gave to your girlfriend?

Contestant: Hmmm...taptoy.

Host: What taptoy?

Contestant: Taptoy na teddy bird.

* * *

Host: If you had a foreigner friend, where will you bring him to showcase the beauty of the Philippines?

Girl: Bocaue.

Host: Why Bocaue? There are so many places in the Philippines. Why Bocaue?

Girl: Because it’s a magnificent place.

Host: Which part of Bocaue?

Girl: The Bocaue Rice Terraces.

* * *

Host (of Little Miss Philippines contest): Anong gusto mo paglaki mo?

Contestant: Maging lalaki po!

* * *

Host: What is your best feature?

Contestant: My graduation feature.

* * *

Host: Hindi ito boob, hindi ito tube. Pero tinatawag itong boobtube. Ano ito?

Contestant: Bra!

* * *

Host: What is your favorite motto?

Contestant: If others can’t why, why can’t I?

* * *

Host: What would you like to say to foreigners?

Contestant: Please come back.

* * *

Host (of a gay beauty contest): What is the one thing that symbolizes happiness for you?

Contestant (Hesitating, thinking and then smiling): Eggplant po!

* * *

Host: What is your typical day?

Contestant: I think Saturday po!

* * *

Host (of a gay beauty contest): Ano ang advantage mo sa ibang contestant?

Contestant: I think and believe na bilang isang bading...ano nga po ulit ’yung
question?

* * *

Host: What is your favorite motto?

Contestant (After a long pause): Don’t have a motto, eh. (The crowd helps her out, "Time is gold! Time is gold!")

Contestant: I have na po. Chinese gold!

* * *

Host: So you’re vegetarian. What is your favorite vegetable?

Contestant: I like potatoes, tomatoes, beans and...what’s that? Kalabash?

* * *

Host: Who is your favorite fictional character?

Girl: Jose Rizal. (Crowd starts laughing)

Host: Who is your favorite hero then?

Contestant: Hulk Hogan.

* * *

Host: If you were to become a superhero, what would your power be?

Female Contestant: Hmmm... A bumble bee!

* * *

Host: What is your edge over the other contestants?

Girl: My edge...23 years old.

* * *

Host: How do you see yourself 10 years from now?

Girl: I’ll be 28yrs old.

* * *

Host: So you like reading. Who’s your favorite author?

Girl: Hmmm... Shakespeare.

Host: What works of Shakespeare?

Girl: Hindi ko po alam, eh.

Host: But he’s your favorite.

Girl: Eh kasi patay na siya, eh!

* * *

Host: What is the biggest problem facing the youth today?

Girl: Drugs.

Host: Why?

Girl: Mahal, eh!

CONVICT:

Convict: Father, forgive me for i have sinned.

Priest: Sabihin mo lahat ng kasalanan mo anak.

Convict: Father, pinatay ko po lahat ng naniniwala sa diyos.

Kayo po father naniniwala doon?

Priest: Sino yon?

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

CONFIDENT AT CONFIDENTIAL

Anak: Itay, ano ang kaibahan ng confident at confidential?

Itay: Anak kita, CONFIDENT ako dyan,

yung best friend mong si tikboy, anak ko rin,

CONFIDENTIAL yan.

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

ANG SULAT:

Patient: Dok, malungkot dito sa mental kaya naisipan

kung sulatan sarili ko

Doc: E ano naman ang laman ng sulat mo

Patient: Di ko pa alam kasi next month k pa yata matatanggap..

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

PUEDE NGA BA?

Anak: Inay, puede na ba akong magbra?

inay kinse na po ako, puede na ba?

Inay: Hoy JOSELITO! tigilan mo nga ako.

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

AMPON:

Anak: Inay tinutukso po ako ng mga kalaro ko na anak sa labas?

Inay: Hindi totoo yan anak, ang sabihin mo sa kanila,

AMPON KA!

may isang ngongo sa perfume shop.

ngongo...ale ale pabili nga po ng mamango....

ale...eto subukan mo bago labas ng LACOSTE

ngongo...ale mango

ale...iho hindi alimango pabango yan

ngongo...hindi ale mango talaga...

ale...akin na nga,sabing hindi yan alimango eh.

(nag agawan ang ale at ngongo, nabasag ang pabango)

ngongo...ale masag??

ale...

WALANG 'S'

ANAK: Tays, kakainis na tayos

TATAY: Hoy! tigilan m yang kakalagay mo ng "s" sa mga sinasabi mo ha

TATAY: Ano ba ang ulam?

ANAK: BANGU na may KAMATI, ARDINA na may IBUYA...

TATAY:

Letter of an OFW Dad,

"Luv, tnx sa padala mo, hapi c nene kasi tobleron ang baon sa

skul. ung nike suot na ni jr. next. tym wag ka na padala NIVEA

MILK. di nila type pait daw, ako tloy ang umubos."

********************************

MISTER: ano ang pagkain natin?

MISIS : nasa mesa, bahala ka na pumili!

MISTER: isang pirasong tuyo? ano pagpipilian ko?

MISIS : pumili ka kung kakain ka o hindi!

*********************************

IDD call from US:

HUSBAND: hon musta ang tindahan?

WIFE : dept store na!

H : ang tuba-an?

W: KTV bar na!

H : and mga trickad?

W: taxi na!

H : ang dalawa kong anak?

W: LIMA na!

*********************************

Mag sweethearts watchin' da sky...

GUY: ano ang horoscope mo?

GIRL: anong huruskup?

GUY: yung bang kapalaran mo, katulad ko, CANCER.

GIRL: ah, sa akin ALMURANAS!

*********************************

TITSER: who can make a sentence then translate it in tagalog?

PUPIL: my titser is beautiful, isn't she?

TITSER: very good, translate it in tagalog.

PUPIL: ang guro ko ay maganda, maganda nga ba?

*********************************

DONYA: bilang bagong katulong, tandaan mo na ang almusal

dito ay alasais empuntu!

MAID : walang problema donya. kung tulog pa ako sa oras na

yun, mauna na kayong mag almusal!

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

Fish Market

	One day there was a blind man walking down the street and he smelled oranges, so he bought some fruit. He smelled some pastries, so he bought some donuts. Then he walked passed a fish market, took a hard sniff, and said, "Hello ladies!"